November 2004 Archives

The Secret Toilet Pubes

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Toilet PubesIt was a Friday morning at around 9am when I awoke and felt like complete shit. I drank some water and went back to bed. A few minutes later I found myself very close to the toilet throwing up more hard substance than I do when I shit after a good cafeteria meal. As this was going on something poked me in my left eye. In my dreams as a young child I would always have nightmares of me on the toilet and something coming through the pipes and eating me. Not really. I took a quick second glance at what poked me, then a third. I then threw up some more making sure I didn't get my eyes poked out and infected with pube poisen. How do so many pubes get under the toilet shitter seat? Someone needs to do a study on this. I have purple pubes with pink streaks so it can't be my pubicles infesting the toilet territory. I'll get to the bottom of this mystery one day.

Halloween was pretty straight here at West Virginia University. Did the usual underage alcohol consumption thing and ended up at a party full of kids who were of legal age and graduating soon with my favorite neighbors. I somehow got a few of the people there to believe the house was mine and got in front of the keg line everytime. Played a game of beer pong with some kid and a soldier and his fat girlfriend. We won, and my teammate didn't make one. He sucks at life.

I went home last weekend for really no reason at all besides getting my badass Mickey Mouse sheets from 15 years ago because I couldn't find any other twin bed sizes. When I got home I went straight to the fridge expecting a disapointment of expired skim milk and baking soda in the back keeping the smell fresh. Yeah that's what there was. But then I opened the freezer and shit my pants, again. Then once more after I consumed half of it. Friday I got my haircut because I realized I really don't like having longer hair. That night I just chilled with my boys doing the usual and playing poker and the new GTA: San Andreas. Saturday I went out with Brittney to her brothers house who is the husband of my homegirl Lacey Dizzle who I used to work with. I got back to school Sunday thanks to Boris.

I scheduled yesterday morning at 7am not really knowing what I was doing or what I wanted to take. A lot of the stuff I wanted was already taken so I just picked stuff. Here's my schedule for next semester as of now.

Now to my ticket. As you wonderful readers know today was my court date. I just put on some jeans and a t-shirt because I knew it wasn't going to be anything formal and serious and it wasn't. I got there at 7:56am and gave an officer my ticket along with about 9 other people. We stood in the hallway in front of the court room for a half hour. We all entered the court room and waited for our case to come up. Underage drinking is what pays for this damn city to run. Out of the 9 of us 6 were there for the same reason. When it came my turn I pleaded guilty and that was pretty much it. I got a court disposition and a pre-printed set of instructions on what to do to get this shit over with. So it's a $123 fine, $75 for AA meetings, and $30 for processing. So that's $228 and I have to do 6 hours of community service and 6 hours AA. I have $26 from PayPal donates and I think $50 in my savings. There's still time to donate. I have 180 days to pay. Wish me luck. I guess I will have to eat some more candles and throw up in the hallway while some kid I have never seen in my entire life films me for a dorm kid payment total of $23.

I received 2 emails and figured I'd share them for no reason at all. Here's the first one. Here's the second.

I need to go and take the trash out since no one else minds trash everywhere and the great smell of shit. Yeah I took those pictures in case I wasn't going to have enough for this post and didn't want to waste them. So shut up and quit questioning me, sluts.

I'll leave you with some words of wisdom: Don't drink old bong water you see sitting on someones table.

Almost forgot. I promised I'd put this picture up of a fan I had I didn't know was even a reader. I licked her toes a year or so ago when I fell on the floor and she had no complaints except for the fact that it felt too good.